To be ashamed is human — and yet it harms us.

Each of us has been ashamed at some point. We know that our sense of shame has to do with what others think of us and how we relate that to ourselves. But there is actually much more to it than that. Shame is related to a basic human need: relationships, love, and belonging.

We are social animals — the company of others is vital to us. Even with our Stone Age ancestors, everything revolved around being part of a group: Those who belonged could expect help in the daily struggle for survival and protection from attackers. If, on the other hand, we are socially isolated, we suffer from it. And as neuroscientists have shown, chemical processes in our brain make this pain even worse.

This is where shame comes in: as soon as we feel that we are not worthy of our social needs being met, we start to feel ashamed. In our opinion, who we are or what we do is not enough for love and relationships — we feel that we don’t “deserve” them. This self-image comes about when we no longer assume that we have a fundamental, unconditional value as a person, but measure it against certain criteria that we have to meet.

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